I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
My vagina just clenched in fear
Randomize
