you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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