I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
