We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I see more hoeing in ur future
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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