I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
