Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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