we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
