I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Randomize
