I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Randomize
