Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
