Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
