I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
