oh god the rape fog is back!
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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