Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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