So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
