my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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