Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
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