sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
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