now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
