His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
