My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
