I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Randomize
