There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
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