I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
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