You're my little dorito
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
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