your thong is hanging out like whoa
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Of course I have a pirate flag
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
