Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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