True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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