i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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