Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Randomize
