you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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