We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
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