i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
