My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
