Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
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