Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Someone came in the potted fern
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Randomize
