Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
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