you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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