I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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