dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
