this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
