dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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