I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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