Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
