Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
