You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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