So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
