her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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