When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Randomize
