when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
